Random Thoughts

I always believe that our dreams have ways of communicating to one self. The past two days I had two different type of dreams and both I think was to symbolizes aspects of my life. Overall, I know I’ll make it through!

Dream 1:

Comb 
To dream that you are combing your hair suggests your need to organize and sort your thoughts. You need to search for some elements that are not clear to you in a situation or relationship.

Dream 2:

Lion 
To see a lion in your dream symbolizes great strength, courage, aggression and power. You will overcome some of your emotional difficulties. As king of the jungle, the lion also represents dignity, royalty, leadership, pride and domination. You have much influence over others. You also need to exercise some restraint in your own personal and social life. Alternatively, a lion represents your need for control over others. You have to be in charge.

One of my scariest night was yesterday. I had my first anxiety attack. I don’t know why I feel the way I do and where it came from. But its scary. I lost feelings in my fingers and started to become numb, started to gasp for air and started to take many small quick breaths. I was near fainting before I realized that I need to calm down drink water and steady my breathing. Meanwhile all this was happening my friend was on the phone witnessing all this. I completely felt bad that I put her through this stress. But at that time I was so lost and confused and she was the first person that came to my mind and I called her. I probably always feel bad for putting her in the situation I put her in. Despite all that I’m grateful that she was by my side to help me through it. And for that THANK YOU!! Ever since I came back from Cuba I’ve been having trouble with my emotions. Some how along the lines of my vacation I lost myself completely. I don’t know why I did what I did but I did. Losing yourself is by the far the worse feeling one can ever experience. I was so empty inside, I felt nobody. Its as though I was hollow. My mind was completely blocked. I lost all my good memories completely and only can see and feel the bad ones and barely of those too. I built myself a wall while I was in Cuba. The past month I have felt so many emotions and experiences so much. But I kept quiet and kept everything to myself and finally when I left for Cuba I left with that uncertainty and everything I bottled up. While I was there I somehow subconsciously built a wall to protect myself from whatever I had to face when I came back. Instead of building a wall for certain situation, I built a wall for everything, within everything I built a wall for my boyfriend as well. Before I left for Cuba I was on cloud 9 with him. Everything was good between us and after our break up and make up we only got stronger. Because we saw our value for each other more. And it felt good. When I came back to find out that my self defence mechanism decided to even block my good memories and feelings out pissed me off. Because that wasn’t my intentions. I hate myself for doing that to myself. A lot of people probably wont understand what I went through these couple of days. And with all my heart I rather you not because, it is a horrible feeling and its not worth understanding. But last night I was able to talk out my memories and feelings with my friend. By being able to talk about it, I started to see it again, I started to feel things again. By the end of the night I was able to take away the feeling in my chest. I’m not saying its completely gone but I can feel. I can feel how he makes me feel and remember memories again. I learned something really important about myself through this experience. I’m accustomed to a routine. That’s just how I’m built. It can be a bad and a good thing. But that’s just who I am. Next time I’m leaving on vacation I’m not leaving with doubts and uncertainty because it really can screw with my mind. Some of my friends think I should go to the doctor to get help. However, I’m adamant that I can get through this without one. I was able to always deal with my psychology issues on my own or with loved ones and I’ll do it again for this situation. Knowing that I can feel something again alone is the first step to knowing that I’ll make it. 

OMG ITS TOMORROW….SUMMER VACATION TO CUBA….WITH AMAZING PEOPLE!!!….CAN’T WAIT!!! LET THE PARTYING BEGIN!!!!!